memory : the van where and when this happened to me, i don't want to be too specific about. let's just say it was some place in the south, before. i would like one of the guys involved to see this. when i was in college i didn't have a car. so when there was a concert i wanted to go to, i had to hitch. that wasn't much of a problem. if it was a popular concert, there would be lots of people going from my college-which was in a smaller town-to the city where the arena was. i could usually ditch my afternoon classes, hit the road, and get there at least an hour before the event started. sometimes i didn't even have a ticket before i hit the road. but you know you had to have a ticket ahead of time when the allman brothers were coming to play. it was the south. you can imagine. the concert this time was around the beginning of may. when it got to be the day of the show, i was all ready. i suppose i could have gotten a ride with somebody i knew, but the thing was i liked hitching. i liked walking down the road and looking at the trees and fields and stuff. i liked the adventure of it. i felt free then, and more alive. i liked feeling that way because i was in my second year of college and i was starting to think about coming out. you know you can't come out in the south without some problems. but i had known for years that i was gay without having been able to do anything about it, and being away from home-which had been in an even smaller town-had given me the hope that sooner or later i would be able to be who i wanted to be. maybe not yet. maybe not in that place or in that year. but i was beginning to see that it might be possible. i was beginning to think about moving away to a big city. i liked walking along the road and dreaming about the life that i could have if i got away. that's probably more or less what i was thinking that afternoon when i was hitching. getting away. the day was hot-hotter even than it usually was in may in the south-but i didn't mind. the first ride i got was from some farmer guy. he wanted to talk about the college football team. although i tried to fake it, he could tell i didn't know much about those things, so he dropped it. after he turned off onto some sideroad, i had to walk about half an hour before somebody else stopped for me. this time i lucked out and it was some people from the school going up for the concert. i didn't know them, but they were cool. there weren't a lot of hippie types around then in that part of the country, although it was a few years past 1969, but there were some whose hair was a little longer. we smoked some pot and must have got along pretty good, because they handed me a hit of mescaline after we got there and said they would meet me at the same place afterwards to give me a ride back. it was close enough to the beginning of the evening for me to know i had take my drug soon, so i did. i sat outside the arena and watched the people arriving. there were the rednecks whooping and hollering. they liked the band because they saw them as good old boys from the south. there were the fans who looked like the ones who had given me the drugs. they kind of smiled and nodded along. i saw some people from the school, but i pretty much stayed off by myself. when it got to be time for the concert to start i went inside. the opening act was o.k., some local band i hadn't heard of before. i didn't feel the mescaline was kicking in until the lights dropped for the allman brothers. a roar went up from the crowd that sounded to me like the walls were falling in. the first guitar chords sounded, the lights rose up on the stage, and i was gone. you can guess how little i remember of the concert. i did my usual, wandering about the arena from one place to another, getting different views. one time i was just off to the side of the stage and i could see them really well. they all looked great. i looked at lot at gregg, with his long blond hair. i thought they were the kinds of guys i would like to know. someway. so there i was. it was intense, but i kept it together. after the concert i was beginning to come down, but not so much so that i got it together enough to find my ride. or they were as messed up as i was. either way, i wasn't terribly surprised or disappointed that we didn't connect. i was still a little euphoric from the drug. i didn't mind that i was going to have to hitchhike. actually, that was my favorite time to hitchhike. after a concert, when it was dark. the night was still hot, hotter than it should have been. i got a ride fairly quickly right out of town, because a lot of people were leaving then, but the couple that first gave me a lift turned off my road after about half an hour. i ended up walking down a country road in the dark. although there were cars going past regularly enough, they weren't all that frequent. it was o.k. by me. i was in no hurry. i wasn't even bothering to hold my thumb out. i was fine. i liked the open space around me. and the darkness. although it was dark, the heat made the air feel less heavy. i felt it easy to breathe. far out there-far from any cities or streets-there were stretches where there were no electric lights at all. there wasn't much of a moon either, but the stars were bright. they were maybe glowing a little bit more to my eyes than to someone who wasn't in my condition, but i liked it. i was pleasantly buzzing at this point. as i walked along that road, i felt very calm. i was not worried about being out in the middle of nowhere. sometimes-off somewheres-i could hear a dog barking. mostly all i could hear was the sound of my footsteps. and the leaves moving in the trees when some breeze came up. i know that-most days-i may have been a bit confused about what i was doing or where i was going in my life. but one of the nice things about mescaline was that it put things in perspective for me. really. when i was on mescaline i could see that there was a larger picture than the one i saw normally. i could see that everything was real important, and that there was depth and a meaning that i didn't see the rest of the time. people who haven't done hallucinogens don't know this. they think that drugs have to fuck up your mind. they don't know that sometimes they can make you see much more clearly. i was in this frame of mind and doing fine. i probably could have walked all the way back to campus if i had had to. the van zoomed past, then squealed to a halt about fifty yards down the road. the back doors opened up and somebody yelled. i don't know what they said-i couldn't hear because of the music that was blasting out of the windows and back door-but they waited there for me. as i got closer, i could see inside the back of the opened van. there were three guys in the back. they looked o.k. i mean, they didn't look dangerous or anything. they wanted to give me a lift. my legs were getting a little tired at this point. i got in. the guys in the back of the van weren't rednecks. frat boys, maybe. one was dark-haired-looked like a business major. one looked like your typical rotc, all crewcut and stocky. the other one was a big beefy blond who looked like he belonged more on a farm than in college. there were also two guys in the front seat. the one driving didn't turn around, but his buddy in the passenger side turned and said "hi." they said they had been at the concert too. they hadn't been doing the heavier drugs that i had been doing, but the smell of pot was heavy in the van. and it looked like they had been drinking. they weren't all that far gone, as far as their drinking goes, but they were pretty far gone. opening up a small cooler that was now mostly water, they offered me a beer. we talked about the concert for a while. well, we were talking the best we could over the tape deck. they were playing the allman brothers at top volume. the fillmore east album. the dark-haired guy in the corner lit up a joint and passed it around, but i knew that if i hit that i would be off again like a rocket, so i declined. when they brought out the jack daniels though, i knew i wanted some. if i was going to get any sleep tonight, i was going to have to take off the edge of my mescaline. the rotc boy-jack-was the most energetic. he talked away a mile a minute, about anything and everything. i didn't catch most of it. the guy with the joint was-i think-called bill. he didn't get much involved. he sat there and rolled joints and nodded to the music. he was sitting directly behind the driver. jack was next to him against the van wall, and i was beside him next to the back doors. the blond guy was lying down, taking up the whole other side of the van. his name was darren. i definitely remember his name. he was pretty out of it. not drunk out of it. well, he was drunk. but maintaining. he had short blond hair like some countryboy, and the build of one too. when i got in the van i had noticed him right away because he had his shirt off. he was built, but not in a bodybuilder sort of way. built like in a real i've-worked-on-a-farm sort of way. nice hairless chest, big round shoulders and arms. bull-like. like i said, he took up one side of the van, lying lengthwise on his back. he drifted in and out of the conversation. every now and then he would sing out a line with the music. maybe he was more than a little bit out of it. at first i was on my guard. i didn't want to be caught watching darren too much. i didn't want the others to catch on that i was interested in looking at another guy. i knew enough about where i was to know that. but there he was. it was hot and smoky in the back of that van. we couldn't open up the back doors and the two windows up front just weren't doing their job. every now and then darren would rouse himself enough to yell up to the front for them to open up the windows more and they would yell back that the windows were open already and then jack would go "damn it, it's roasting back here." and they would yell back at him to shut up. it was very hot back there. the smoke and the stuffiness and the close quarters didn't help matters. we were all sweating buckets. jack had tied a bandana around his head to keep the it out of his eyes. and darren just lay there and sweated. it made his skin all wet. water collected around his neck and rolled down. drops formed on his chest and rolled off down the side. we were all talking pretty good and getting along. the music was loud, and passing the j.d. around was getting us all a little woozy. it started when jack put his thumb over the mouth of his beer bottle, shook it up, and aimed the exploding beer at darren. it went all over him and practically everybody else in the back of the van. darren swatted at the bottle in jack's hand and beer flew everywhere. "goddamn it," he said. "that shit's all over me." he stood up and banged his head on the roof of the van. the rest of us were about to piss ourselves laughing. "sit down, you stupid fuck," jack said. "fuck you," yelled darren. he kept trying to stand up and was not succeeding very well in the moving van. he was trying to take his jeans off. but he kept falling over in the process. he got them down past his knees and fell over again, cursing. then he figured out that he was trying to take them off over his shoes. when he realized what the holdup was, he sat down and took off his workboots. when he got those off-with more cursing from him and more laughter from the rest of us-he finished taking his jeans off. now i could watch him openly because everyone was watching him. he wasn't wearing anything under his jeans. "goddamn it, darren," jack said. "we don't want to see your dick." i do, i thought. "i'm too goddamn hot," darren yelled back. "you got beer all over my fucking jeans, man." he sat down again with his back against the wall. i remember the van was red. whichever one of them owned it hadn't done much to it, but they had put some black carpet on the floor in the back. and there were a few old pillows and blankets thrown about. darren had put one of the pillows between his back and the wall. he sat there, legs bent, his forearms resting on his knees, his hands hanging loosely down. from where i was sitting i could see his cock and his balls. there was a heavy bush of dark blond hair. his cock hung down thick and soft from it. his balls hung way loose in the heat. they rested all the way down on the black carpet. the music was playing loudly. statesboro blues. i was starting to get a little wiped. jack and bill had started rehashing some old argument about who did what when. darren just sat and swayed with the movement of the van. the guys in the front seat were smoking cigarettes and passing a bottle back and forth and ignoring the rest of us. it was hot. so hot. and i thought it was getting hotter by the minute. i wasn't sure what was happening to me. maybe the j.d. was too much for me. maybe the mescaline was popping up again. it was smoky. too hot. i was getting short of breath. my eyes weren't focussing all that well. the music was loud and i wasn't sure what was going on. yes, it was the allman brothers playing. again. there was a guitar. it was the blues. it was slow and it was loud. i didn't know what to do. i looked over at darren. he sat there, gently rocking from side to side. his eyes were closed. i stared. at his nakedness. at his chest. at the round pink nipples. at the way his stomach stuck out a little. i stared at his cock. it wasn't like i'd never seen a naked guy before. but somehow this was different. i had never seen anybody quite so naked. so defenseless. i stared at his cock. it wasn't the first time i'd seen a guy's dick. but this was different. this was a guy naked and real. not being naked on his way from one thing to another. not showering after gym, or walking through the dorm before rushing off to class. not naked and busy. but naked and quiet. naked and relaxed. i could sit and watch him as much as i wanted. jack and bill were caught up in their own business now, and they probably thought i was too out of it. and-anyway-you know-i found that i didn't care. that particular thing is what happened then. that is what happened that was different. i didn't care if they noticed. i had gone to another place. what happened was that i saw. i saw with the same clarity that i had had before on the night road. i saw with the clarity of the night, and the stars, and my being there. i saw what i was. and i saw at that moment-that second-that one particular instant in time-what i wanted and had to do. i crawled forward through the noise and the smoke and the heat. i took it in my mouth. it's hard for me to remember all the details now. but darren didn't freak out. maybe he was too out of it. he didn't stop me. there is no way i can describe that moment. i was there. it was in my mouth. i don't know that i was actually sucking it. maybe i was just moving it around in my mouth. but then of course something kicked in and i started doing what comes naturally. and he got harder. i could feel it growing in my mouth, like some balloon. it was getting harder. as it got harder it lifted up. i kept up with it. soon, after a few minutes, it was too big for my mouth. i had to shift position and get more on my elbows and knees so that i could keep my mouth above it. you have to remember that i had never had a guy's cock in my mouth before. i didn't want to let it out of my mouth at all, because i thought that if i did it would go away forever. i was gone. and he lay there and let me do it. in remembering it-afterwards-the most surprising thing to me was that nobody stopped me. darren didn't stop me. jack and bill didn't stop me. i don't know what went through their minds when they saw what i was doing, but they didn't say a word. the first thing i remember liking was how hard he was. he was hard and i stayed on top of it, moving my mouth up and down on his cock. it didn't take me long to learn how to suck. at some point i put my hand around it, down near the base. it was thick. i remember the strong smell of his cock. the sweat smell. the smell of beer, too. i remember he spread his legs a further apart. i kept going. i don't know how long i had been sucking him. time didn't have much meaning. and then. and then. i felt someone pulling me off darren's dick. it was jack. he was there, beside me, on his knees. he had pushed his pants down and had a hardon. he moved my head over to his cock and i took it in my mouth. it wasn't really what i had in mind. now-years later-you know i wouldn't think twice about it. but at the time-in my innocence-i thought that one dick would be enough. all i really wanted right then was darren's dick. but whatever. i started sucking jack's cock. it wasn't a nice as darren's-neither as thick nor as long. it curved downward. but i did it. jack didn't say anything to me. i don't know how long i sucked his cock. i do remember that at one point he said "come on. get some of this." he wasn't talking to me. he was talking to bill. but bill didn't come over. when-somehow-i pulled my mouth off jack's cock, i glanced over at bill. he was sitting there, watching us. there was no expression on his face. before i took darren's cock back into my mouth, i looked up at him. his head lay back against the van wall. he looked sleepy. and he was smiling a little bit. i took his cock back into my mouth and sucked him some more. it's funny to me now that i didn't do anything with his balls. now-you know-i wish i had thought of it at the time. and i didn't go up and try to do anything with his chest or anything. what can i say. i was young and stupid. all i wanted was his cock in my mouth. it was big and it was hard. it worked over the head with my tongue. i took it out of my mouth and licked the sides of the shaft, from under the head down to the base. i would go back to the top and put it in my mouth again. it was so thick in my mouth. i could hear-somewhere far off and somewhere close by-loud music. music with a beat. it was like it was a soundtrack to my cocksucking. heavy thick beats and hot guitars. it made it more intense. suddenly i was jerked away from darren's cock. i got scared but i didn't need to be. it was jack. he had gotten hold of the back of my jeans and was trying to pull them off. "take 'em off," he whispered. i wasn't going to argue. i unzipped them and pushed them down. he reached over with his hand and pushed my head back down to darren. i was supposed to go back to what i had been doing. i got darren's cock in my mouth again. then i felt jack's dick up against my ass. it wasn't what i had planned. what had i planned. nothing. he took a few rough pokes around and then shoved it into me. maybe his dick was lubed up from my blowing, but it slid in fairly easily. whatever. it didn't hurt. well, not much. i adjusted fairly quickly once he started fucking me. most of my attention was on darren's cock, so somebody fucking me was a long way from the center of my attention. i was still on my hands and knees sucking darren. he had started to get into it. he was moving his hips beneath me, pushing up to my face. jack fucked me for a few minutes. it didn't take very long for him to get off. when he shoved himself all the way forward into me and held it there, i heard him yell something over the music. he held himself there in me, then he pulled out. that had broken up my rhythm for a few seconds, but then i went back to sucking darren. i mean i was gone on sucking darren off. nothing else mattered. until. until the guy in the front seat on the passenger side climbed over into the back. i could tell he was coming over. right after jack finally pulled out, the new guy moved into position behind me. i registered in some part of my mind that i was about to get fucked again, but i didn't care. i should have. should have cared, i mean. should i have cared? i don't know what he was trying to do back there at first. i felt something hard against my butt. it was his dick. but he wasn't going in. then i think he got the idea that he had to get it wet to get it in. i guess he spit on his dick, or something. after another moment i felt it up against my asshole. and he pushed. he was bigger than jack. when he pushed it in, it really hurt. not so much that i stopped him, or anything. but once he got it in, it hurt. it was thick, thicker than the one i had in my mouth. and longer. he had to grab hold of my hips with his hands and work his way into me. it took a minute for him to get set. i had to take darren's cock out of my mouth, i was so overwhelmed. then, after he got it all the way in me, he started fucking me. at first i couldn't suck darren's cock while the other guy fucked me. it was too much. since then i've been fucked by guys with bigger dicks. but at that time, i hadn't. but you know how you learn to take anything. and then you want it, badly. that was the first time i thought that maybe there was something in getting fucked. i liked it. as he kept going and going, i pushed my ass back and said my first word. "yeah." i don't know why my saying that made any difference but it did. the guy behind me got more into it. he started fucking me harder. he grabbed my ass and pounded away at me. the thing was, he was starting to hit one particular spot. at that time, i didn't know that what he was doing was hitting my prostate. if you've ever had that happen to you while you were getting fucked, you know what i mean. you cannot describe that particular feeling to someone who hasn't been there. for me it was like incredible pleasure and pain at the same time. years afterwards i felt the same intensity the first time somebody fisted me. but that was later. before i got into the van, i hadn't been fucked up the ass before, so i didn't know whether he was doing any damage to me or not. in some part of my mind i might have thought about that. the main thing was i wasn't about to stop him. no matter what. i hovered over darren's cock and concentrated on what was happening to my butt. i remember the sound of being fucked. the slapping of his body against the back of my thighs. there was a sloppy wet noise as his cock went in and out of my asshole. he was grunting. the driver had turned the music up, louder. and louder. hot lanta was playing. i heard jack saying "yeah, fuck him." the pressure built in my ass and in my head. i started to moan and groan. i still had one hand gripped tight around the base of darren's cock as i buried my face in the black carpet. i remember thinking, i'm gonna die. i remember thinking, if i'm going to go now, i'm going to go the way i want. i got my mouth back on darren's cock and started sucking hard. i balanced myself as best i could on my knees and elbows and jerked on darren's cock while i sucked him. the noise, the heat, the intensity of it finally got to him too, i guess. i felt his dick get even harder and hotter in my hand. i sucked and stroked as hard as i could. then he came. he kind of yelped when he shot into my mouth. big thick heavy loads. again and again. i didn't know what to do but swallow them all. all this must have triggered the guy behind me. he fucked me faster and faster. i closed my eyes and took it like a man. and then he buried his cock deep up my ass and came. there was a moment there where everything stopped. i had my hand on darren's cock, some guy had his dick up my ass, and time froze. i didn't hear anything-no music, no words, no sounds at all. there was no movement anywhere in the universe. and then i opened my eyes. there was another drop, another white drop of cum on the end of darren's cock. i moved closer and licked it into my mouth with my tongue. the world began again. the guy behind me pulled out. the music burst in. i fell over on my side. as i caught my breath, i half lifted myself to see the guy who had been fucking me falling back against the van wall. i looked at him. he was all wet with the sweat that poured down his hairy chest. his cock was going soft, but i could see how big it still was. beside him, jack was staring down at his own soft dick, which he was still gently stroking. the other guy-bill-was looking at me, straight into my eyes. i glanced behind me to darren. he had already gone to sleep-or passed out-lying on his side in all his naked glory. slowly and quietly the naked ones got dressed. jack got dressed and laid down, his back to me. the guy who had fucked me last crawled back over the seat into the front of the van. he said something to the driver. i saw the driver shake his head "no." i pulled my clothes back on and basically cowered near the back door. i don't know why i was scared then. maybe i realized that i might actually be in some kind of danger. i needn't have worried. they ignored me the rest of the ride back. darren slept and snored. even the guy who hadn't-until then-avoided my glance looked elsewhere. at his hands, at his shoes, at the side of the van. we had barely entered city limits when the guy driving pulled over to the side of the street. nobody said anything, but i knew he had stopped for me to get out. it was late night, but there were still people outside. i walked back toward my dorm, past the bars with people drinking and laughing in them, past the buildings where i went to class, past the park downtown where people hung out. my asshole hurt bad. i could feel wetness collecting between my legs. when i got back to my dorm i went to the bathroom that my floor shared. there was nobody there. i took off my clothes. there was wet stuff all down the inside of my jeans. i took a shower, went back to my room, and fell asleep. in my room, the next morning i examined myself for damage. my asshole still hurt. then-looking in the mirror-i saw marks on each side of my butt. bruises and deep red scratches where the guy who had fucked me had dug his fingers deep into my ass to hold on. i looked at my naked body in the mirror. i looked at my face. i took my dick in my hands. i looked into the mirror at my eyes, my mouth, my body, my cock. i thought about what had happened the night before. i remembered darren's body and cock. i remembered being fucked by the one guy, and then by the other guy. i remembered jack shouting "yeah, fuck him" over and over. at first my dick wouldn't get hard. but i got thinking and thinking about what had happened. i began to flog it hard, like a crazy man. finally-after about fifteen minutes of beating my soft dick-it got hard enough for me to come. there wasn't much but i came. i think that maybe i was crying. i don't remember that part for sure. maybe i was and maybe i wasn't. what does it matter. it doesn't matter. afterwards, i would sometimes see them around the school. darren-the guy i had blown-would blush and look embarrassed. so he must have remembered something of what had happened. the two who had fucked me would look elsewhere. if they could, they walked away. i never found out who the driver was. if i happened to see bill-the guy who had watched us without taking part-i noticed that he would look at me. and that he didn't look away, even when i stared back. he just kept looking at me, as if trying to figure something out. he didn't appear hostile but i wasn't about to approach him. to ask him . . . anything. maybe he understood. i finished out my second year that semester, but then i knew what i wanted to do. i closed my bank account, packed two suitcases, and bought a one-way bus ticket for denver. i was leaving. i was going to be alright. i had the power.
