Gay Erotic Stories

When I went away to college, no one knew anybody. We were all new and we all had walls. It was so easy for people to get under mine. I lived in the dorms. Our building was set up with four rooms with a central living area. Two rooms shared a bathroom and we had a central entrance and a separate entrance to each room.

There were the eight of us, eight guys from all over the country. We didn’t know each other, didn’t know about our pasts or our futures. We hung out, became friends and partied. We liked it so much we stayed there all four years.

My roommate’s name was Jacob. I knew I was in trouble when I started thinking about him all the time. He was tall, about six-two. I was taller at six-four, but I liked the look of him. He was dark haired with green eyes. He was nicely muscled and walked around the room in his underwear. He had no hair on his body. It was such a contrast to my hairy body. By the time we were seniors, I was a walking ball of lust. Every innocent touch aroused me. I was dying a little inside each day behind my walls.

I realized I wanted it over. I wanted to stop living a lie. We were set to graduate in June adn my birthday was at the end of May. I sat down in the main room one day at the end of April and told my friends I was gay. We were friends. Friends are unconditional. They are yours forever. That is what I thought. I was unprepared for the fallout. I had no idea how cold seven guys could become. I had let the walls down a bit; I couldn’t get them up fast enough. I slammed them in place and hid again. I shut in the pain and hurt and remained to the world as I always am: serene, calm, and aloof.

It was at this point I found out what alone really meant. If I entered the main room, the others would leave. It got to the point in which I only used the private entrance to our room. I avoided my friends. I had always had a habit of sitting in front of a window and quietly looking out. To the world I was lost in thought. Inside, I was gathering strength to hide the pain, the loneliness and to gloss over the ache of rejection. We were on the eighth floor, our window looked onto a hill that was covered in beautiful oaks. But I hardly ever saw them.

Jacob saw me one day, sitting at the window. He had stopped walking around in his underwear. He came up to me. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was trying to say something. He was at a loss as to what to say. He kept starting to talk, but closed his mouth. I didn’t turn to him, but I felt a little better knowing he was trying.

I kept alone, quiet. I didn’t realize it, but I hadn’t spoken aloud in almost two weeks. One night, I was trying to sleep, but that had failed me too. Jacob turned on the light and sat down on my bed. He told me that it didn’t matter to him. He was my friend and would be, no matter what. I smiled for the first time in weeks. Maybe everything would be okay. Perhaps the shock of my announcement was keeping the others away. It was coming up on my birthday. Jacob stopped hanging around the others so much. We didn’t do anything, but he silently let the others know that we were still friends.

I went home on Friday to celebrate my birthday with my family. I was turning twenty-two. I decided I didn’t want to lie to my family anymore either. Saturday at lunch, I told my family. Sitting around me were my parents, my sister and brother. My mother started crying. My brother was surprised and my sister just smiled at me and took my hand. I smiled back. Then my dad got up from his chair. He grabbed me by the back of the shirt and threw me out of the house. He told me to never come back. My bag landed by my side a few minutes later. I lay there on the grass in shock. After a few more minutes the walls came down again. I got up and got in my car and drove away.

I returned to school. I had stopped on my way and bought a couple of bottles of vodka. I got into my room and was alone. I sat in front of my window and drank. I had finished off the first bottle and was halfway through the second when Jacob came in and saw me. He asked why I was back early. I started to giggle, but it became sobs quickly. He came up to me and saw the empty fifth and how much was gone of the second. He grabbed the bottle and dragged me into the bathroom. He pulled me to the toilet. He shoved his finger down my throat trying to make me puke up the vodka. It didn’t work at first. He punched me in the gut then stuck his finger in again. I barfed it all up repeatedly until I was dry heaving.

He pulled off my clothes and pushed me under the cold shower. I was weak-kneed and I couldn’t stand. Jacob stripped down and came in the shower and held me up until I had sobered. When I was shivering convulsively, Jacob pulled me out of the water and dried us both off. He helped me to my bed and covered me up. He sat by me for a few minutes. When I stopped shivering, Jacob moved to go away. I grabbed his hand and held on. I let the walls down. Everything I was feeling was in my eyes. All the pain, the loss, the hurt was there for him to see. I watched pity enter his eyes. I don’t know if I was trying to kill myself with alcohol, but I wouldn’t have put it past me. I lost my friends and my family. I wanted the pain to go away. But Jacob found me. He looked in my eyes and I saw him make some decision. He nodded then spoke.

“I can give you tonight, John. Only tonight.”

With that he lowered to me and kissed me. I was surprised, but I wanted this. I needed this. I gave him everything I had. We kissed and he crawled under my blankets. I felt his naked body against mine. I was hard, he wasn’t. I thrilled at the feel of his body. I skimmed his arms and chest. His was hairless and I loved the smooth, satiny feel of his warm skin. I moved over him, caressing his body and kissing him. I reached between us and grasped his limp penis. I stroked him. He started to get hard. I moved down his body, nipping and kissing his skin. I moved down until I was facing his erection. I took him into my mouth. I felt the crown and slit with my tongue and explored every inch of him. I moved over him, bobbing on him, hoping to bring him pleasure.

After a few minutes, he pulled me off his cock and pulled me up his body. He kissed me again and told me he didn’t want to cum so soon. He rolled on top of me. He knelt between my legs and hooked his arms under my knees. He hefted me up and lowered himself to me. He moved the erect tip against my opening. I felt my hole twitch, begging him to enter me.

“I’ve never done it with a man before.”

“Neither have I.”

With that confession, Jacob cursed and lowered his forehead to mine. He kissed my lips as his hips pressed forward. I was unprepared for the burning, blunt entry. But I kept quiet. He rocked his hips slowly until he was seated fully. He waited, willing me to relax. Eventually, I did and he pulled out only to thrust heavily back into me. Each wonderful thrust had me crying out. To shut me up he kissed me. I felt him pick up speed. His thrusts became more forceful and I felt myself build. He reached between us and started fisting me. Each stroke brought me closer. I felt myself let go, the sensations overwhelmed me and I bit his lip. When I came I clamped onto his shaft and I felt him flex and convulse inside me. When his breathing slowed, he pulled out of me and lay by my side. I knew he wanted to get up. I felt how uncomfortable he was. But he stayed. I think at that moment is when I fell in love with him. The night had been a busy one for me and I fell asleep. I awoke the next morning and saw Jacob fully dressed, sitting at his desk, watching me sleep. When I stretched and moved to get up, he wished me a happy birthday. I got up, unmindful of my nudity or morning hard-on. All I said was thank you and walked into the bathroom to shower. He told me he could only give me the night. So I took it.

We graduated two weeks later. Because of the change in my family, I had scrambled to get a job lined up in Seattle, starting the Monday after. Jacob was going home to Chicago. The night he left, I drove him to the airport. He didn’t want me to go to the gate with him, so I drove to the terminal to let him off. Before he left he leaned over and kissed me then was gone.

I moved into an apartment that was only two miles from where I grew up. I desperately wanted to see my family, but stayed away. I sent birthday and Christmas presents, even an anniversary card. All but one was returned to me. After each passing day, the walls grew thicker and thicker. I was alone and poured myself into work. My degree was in finance. It was easy for me. I could stretch a budget, arrange monies for projects, and even invest for profit. It was so easy for me that it allowed me to disappear. I don’t know whether I was hiding or surviving. My needs were simple; I paid for food and rent and saved almost everything else. By the time two years was up, I had saved almost fifty thousand dollars. Being the financial wizard I was, I invested it and within a year, had almost doubled it.

Right after I turned twenty-five, my sister was going to graduate from college. I bought her a gift, but wanted to hand deliver it. I didn’t think I could face one more returned package. The old house hadn’t changed at all. I went up to the front door and knocked. My sister, Olivia, answered the door. She smiled so big and hugged me. I didn’t say anything, just handed her the present and backed up, intending to leave. My dad had just come home and walked up to me at the door. He started yelling at me. He told me I wasn’t welcome and to get the hell off his property. I just nodded and walked away.

It was a long summer. I found myself staring out my window more and more often when I was home. A few weeks after the fiasco at my family’s house, I was served with a restraining order. I wasn’t allowed within five hundred yards of the house. I think I snapped a little inside. I was staring out my office window, letting work pile up when I heard a knock at my door. I turned to see Jacob standing there. He smiled at me and came in and shut the door. I was so shocked to see him. I had received his wedding invitation a couple of years or so ago. I asked him what he was doing here. He told me that he and his wife were separating and he took a leave of absence and just wanted to get away. So he decided to come see his old friend.

I asked where he was staying and he told me. I then offered him the spare room at my house. He accepted and I took the rest of the day off and showed him around. I had bought the house after a very successful deal came through and my bonus from it was almost two hundred thousand dollars. I made sure he was okay and settled then took him out to dinner. He asked me if I wanted a drink and I told him that I don’t, not after that night. He nodded and I wondered if he remembered the rest of that night like I did, if he relived it as often: probably not.

We went back to my place and talked. Actually he talked and I listened. He told me all about his failed marriage, how difficult his job was. On and on he droned. I felt bad for him, I really did. But my pity well was almost entirely dry, used up by me.

That night I went to bed, reliving again that one night we shared. I wanted to ask what made him kiss me goodbye at the airport. The next day I went back to work and life seemed normal. Jacob stayed in his room and I in mine.

On the third night of his stay, I awoke to him standing over me. He pulled back the covers and slid into bed with me. He faced me and asked that I not send him away. He didn’t put any other restraints on it. Just asked that I not turn from him. So I kissed him.

Passion rose in me quickly and I kept kissing him, feeling his smooth body again. He had put on a few pounds, but it was still nice. He had on a pair of boxers and I slipped them off. This time he was hard. I moved down him and took him in my mouth. I wasn’t going to stop this time. I wanted him to cum in my mouth. I wanted to taste him, all of him. I bobbed my head and felt the velvety steel in my warm, wet mouth. I flicked him with my tongue and he would moan. I would suck hard enough to make him cry out. I put everything I had into making him happy.

After a couple of minutes I felt him tense, gearing up for an orgasm that I hoped would be monumental. I felt the first warm rushes of his release in my mouth. I kept moving on him, wanting it to last, to draw out his pleasure. With the last spurt of his essence, he collapsed. He was breathing heavily, trying to regain his composure. After a couple of minutes, he pulled me to him and started kissing me. He kept kissing me, pawing at my body. He ran his hands through the massive amounts of hair on my chest. He tweaked my nipples then moved down and laved them with his mouth. I felt a rush of hope. He couldn’t have confused me for a woman; I was much too hairy for that.

He kept moving down me, he rolled me to my back. I thought he was going to reciprocate. I was wrong; he pulled my legs up and was at my opening. He was still wet from all my attention. He looked in my eyes as he pressed forward. He winced at how tight it was. It still burned.

“Jesus, John. How often do you have to do it before you loosen up?”

“I don’t know. It’s only been you.”

He looked up at me in shock. I wasn’t embarrassed by it. Truth is, I didn’t know if I could survive if my walls went down again. I was probably over sensitive, but I didn’t want to hurt anymore. But Jacob kept pressing into me. He rocked me gently, loosening me while he swiveled his hips. He ground into me, gyrating and fucking me open and receptive. He had gotten better at fucking. Being married with someone to practice with must have its advantages. He kept up his rhythm and moved into me. His motions were gentle but forceful. He wasn’t hurting me, but was driving me. It was like he was building for my pleasure. I guess it was probably true. He had already cum; I guess it was my turn. Each thrust brushed something inside me.

I felt a buildup and I wasn’t sure what it was. It felt good, but I hadn’t felt it before. It started from my fingers and toes and was rushing to my center. When it reached there I was rocking on sensual waves. I felt my hole clench and grasp him; milking a response. I tightened up all over. My stomach, my legs, my ass, my cock all sprang to rigid attention as I erupted all over Jacob and myself. I was screaming from the top of my lungs. I had never known such exquisite agony. I didn’t know it was supposed to be like this.

I was coming back to earth slowly, still vibrating from aftershocks of pleasure. I felt Jacob inside me as his hard shaft twitched with each spasm of his release. He collapsed on top of me.

This time he didn’t tense up while holding me. He stayed through the night. We fucked and made love over and over. When I woke to my alarm, he was still there, by my side. I got up and showered and went to work.

We repeated the pattern for almost two weeks. I felt the walls coming down. I let myself hope. We hadn’t spent all our time screwing. We talked too. Jacob told me he had always wanted to go to Las Vegas. I had more than enough money and bought a couple of tickets and set us up at a nice hotel. I decided to surprise him that night and tell him I loved him after I had given him my present.

I didn’t realize it, but I had started smiling. Not just at funny moments but all the time. My assistant commented on how I must have found love.

I got home and was about to start looking for him when I tripped over his suitcase. The first moment of panic hit me. I was walking towards the bedrooms when Jacob came out with his other bag. I had let my walls down and I couldn’t get them back up. He was leaving. I could tell by the way he wouldn’t meet my eyes. I walked back into the living room, dropping my now unneeded present on the coffee table. I watched him set down his bag, waiting, willing him to look at me. He didn’t.

“I got a call from my wife today. We decided to patch things up.”

“I thought it was over.”

“She’s pregnant.”

That explained everything. I had always listened to him. Every word. He had told me while we were still in school how much he wanted to have a family. He came from a big one; he was the youngest of eight. Unfortunately, that was the one thing I couldn’t give him. “My flight leaves tomorrow morning.”

He was offering me one more night. He still wouldn’t look into my eyes. I was dying a little inside with each breath. I hurt so badly. When he still wouldn’t look in my eyes I got angry.

“Why Jacob? Why did you come to my bed, knowing that it wasn’t going to last?” He didn’t say anything. I stalked up to him. “Why did you let me hope?”

He looked in my eyes finally. I saw pity there, but not love. At that moment I wanted his love. I wanted him to go home and know he left something wonderful behind. I kept chanting ‘why’ at him. Just like that night so long ago, I had let down the walls and let him see everything. He grabbed me and started kissing me. I saw red. He would kiss me. He would let me suck him off. He would fuck me. But he wouldn’t love me. And he never reciprocated. I wanted his heart, but all I got was his dick. I pulled him to my room. I tore at his clothes and quickly lost mine. I was still kissing him. I grabbed my lube from the bed. I had him on his back. He knew I liked to ride him. But I didn’t grease my ass. I greased my cock. I was having his ass. I hooked my arms under his knees and lifted him up so his ass rested on my thighs. I pressed forward, pushing against his resistance. I kept chanting ‘why’.

I breached his sphincter and dove in. He screamed in pain but didn’t try to pull away. I was too angry to feel it. I wasn’t into sex. I was into punishment. I started thrusting up, against the roof of his canal, forcing his prostate to be rubbed. I wanted him to cum. He stopped squirming and started moaning. I kept hitting that little bump, wanting him to trip. A few minutes later he clamped on me and spurted high in the air, splat after splat of cum hit his chest. He was looking vacant and sleepy. I kept pounding at him. I started crying. I had lowered him and was lying on top of him, rubbing my hairy body against his smooth one. I clasped his head in my hands and stared him right in the eye.

“Tell me you love me.”

I kept chanting it as I thrust inside him. Tears were dripping on his face. “Tell me you love me.” Over and over I chanted it.

After a couple of minutes, he started crying too. I knew he was going to say it. But I also knew that no matter what he might feel for me, he was going to leave anyway. I decided I would rather never hear the words. So I kissed him to keep him quiet. With the parting of his lips my anger started to fade. I didn’t want to punish him; I wanted to cherish what little time I had left. My kissing became more amorous. My thrusts gentled and slowed. I wanted to feel him cum around me again. I was building this time. I felt myself go higher and higher. I also felt Jacob build. His kisses became sloppy. He was heaving for breath with each wave of pleasure. I thought I couldn’t hold out another minute, but I felt him start to clamp and quiver as he released again. I cried out my love for him as I came. I kept thrusting until I was limp then pulled out of him. I rested my head over his heart and wrapped my arms around his back. His sticky release coated my chest and I knew this was the last time I would hold him. Guilt overwhelmed me. I had basically raped the man I love. Jacob tried to speak and I covered his mouth. I couldn’t bear to hear him tell me he loved me.

“Jacob, I’m sorry I hurt you and I understand why you are going.” I sat up and turned to leave the bed. He grasped my arm.

“Tonight isn’t over John.”

I just looked in his eyes. “Yes it is.” I leaned into him and kissed him. This kiss was chaste; it was also goodbye. I told him he should get some sleep. I walked away and got in the shower and washed away the evidence of our lovemaking.

I was in there a long time. I wrapped a towel around me and saw Jacob lying on his side, asleep in my bed. I knew sleep would be useless so I went to my kitchen. There was a sliding glass door that overlooked my backyard. I pulled up a chair and stared out into the night. I sat there and rebuilt my walls. By morning they were thin, but in place.

Jacob found me sitting there that morning. He told me he had called for a cab. It was probably for the best. I was still only wearing the towel. I stood and followed him into the living room. He saw the plane tickets on the coffee table. He picked them up and read them. He looked up at me and started to speak. I just shook my head. “It doesn’t matter now.”

“You should still go, John.”

I swallowed convulsively; I was trying not to cry. I just looked at him. “Like I said, it doesn’t matter now.”

He started to cry. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know.”

He walked up to me and looked me in the eyes. “You really love me. Don’t you?” I nodded. He kissed my cheek. Then he knelt down in front of me and released the towel. He took my cock in his hand and licked it. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to remember this. But I was powerless to move away. He caressed my ass and ran his fingers through my hairy crack. He took me in his mouth and moved his tongue over me. He bobbed his head on me a couple of times and I came. I didn’t know it would happen so fast. Jacob cleaned me up a little then wiped his mouth with my towel before wrapping it back around me. He stood and kissed me on the cheek again just as the cab pulled up. I watched him leave; long after he was out of sight I was still sitting by the window.

A few months later, my sister came to see me in my office. She told me she was getting married. She asked me to come. I wanted to say no. I wanted to avoid the pain if my father caught me. But she begged me. I agreed. During the few months after Jacob left, my assistant grew more and more worried about me. She noticed I was losing weight and I never, ever smiled. I was depressed. I was suffocating behind my walls. She hoped I would come out of it; she kept trying to feed me. Her warmth made me feel better. For her, and her alone, I worked to at least appear happy.

The day of the wedding came. I had gone to the church long before the ceremony, looking for a place to hide. I found one. One of the set of pews was hidden from all but the alter. I got to the church an hour early and sat in my hiding spot. I watched as she took her vows. I saw my mother and father cry and I saw my brother who was standing as best man wipe a tear or two away. I sat and wondered how they could just throw me away. But it was Olivia’s day. I sat in my spot and watched as the ceremony closed and they walked away. She saw me before she walked down the aisle. She smiled just for me.

I waited until the church had emptied before I was going to leave. I had gotten her and her husband a wedding present. I didn’t know how I was going to get it to them. Just as I was getting ready to leave the church, my brother, Sebastian, caught me. He was twenty-one, five years younger. He just hugged me and asked why I stopped writing. Apparently his was the one birthday card that got through. I had sitting in a closet at home four birthday and Christmas presents for each of my siblings as well as mom and dad.

Sebastian asked me to go to the reception. The only problem was that it was at mom and dad’s house. The restraining order would allow him to have me arrested. I looked in his eyes, at the silent pleading in them and took a gamble that he wouldn’t ruin Olivia’s day. I got Olivia’s gift and Sebastian drove us. When I got there, I let him lead the way. I made it inside the back gate to the crowd of people. I walked straight to Olivia and her groom, gave her the present. Shook his hand and kissed her cheek.

I was walking out of the garden when my mother stopped me. She hugged me. She told me she missed me. I smiled at her and was going to walk away. I figured I would walk the few blocks to a restaurant and call a cab back to my car. I didn’t make it off the front lawn when a police car came up and I was arrested. I didn’t resist. I got in the car and slammed my walls in place, but they were cracking.

When we got to the police station, I was taken in and processed then led to a desk where a young officer took my statement. I don’t know whether it was his soft voice, compassionate eyes, or caring look, but I started to tell him everything: all about my coming out, my dad throwing me out, Jacob, the wedding, everything. I didn’t realize I was crying. The compassion in his eyes gave me the first stirring of hope I had felt in the long, lonely months since Jacob had left. The officer told me that it would be a quick arraignment that afternoon; probably just a fine and I would be free to go. His hand on my arm was comforting as well as arousing and I thought of him while sitting, waiting for my day in court.

I was called up before the judge and pled guilty. I was in violation of the restraining order. Sebastian was there and offered that I wasn’t doing anything wrong and was invited by him to the house. The judge fined me and warned me not to violate the order again. It took a few hours to process the paperwork and fines. By the time it was all over, it was close to nine that night. The officer who had sat and listened to me was waiting for me when I walked out of the station. He asked if I had a ride. I told him my car was at the church. He offered me a lift and I accepted. He took me to my house instead of the church and I didn’t think anything of it. He invited himself in. I offered him a drink, which he declined. I just wanted to sit in my window and rebuild my walls.

But the officer, whose name was Clark, sat and talked to me. He had a deep voice, but spoke softly. I really noticed him for the first time. He was about my height, and had dark reddish, brown hair. He was about twenty-five, maybe twenty-six. He had strong looking arms and a broad chest. His forearms were covered in light, springy hair. I found myself attracted to him. Maybe it was the tumultuous day, or perhaps the depressing state of my life, but I really wanted him to kiss me. I just wanted to be close to someone. I moved into him and kissed his lips. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me back.

But after a few heady moments he pulled away. He was breathing hard and his skin was flushed. But he still pulled away. He looked at me strangely.

“Why did you kiss me?”

“I thought you wanted me to.”

“I do. But why did you kiss me? Are you lonely? Are you attracted to me?”

“I find you very attractive.”

“So it isn’t pity you’re looking for?”

I looked at him kind of confused. Pity? “Why would I be looking for pity? I have enough of my own.”

“That’s why I stopped. You are really vulnerable right now. I don’t think we should continue this yet. I want to. I want to really bad. But I want to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.”

I think I grew to like him right then. What he said made sense. I had been used, not intentionally, but I had been used and I knew how much it hurt. I smiled at him. He was gun shy too. We agreed to meet in the morning. He was going to come by and take me to my car and then we were going to go to a football game. I don’t really care for the sport, but what the hell.

The next day we spent entirely together, then the next day and the one after that. We were inseparable. I grew to love him over those first few weeks. Officer Clark and I didn’t sleep together, not right away. But we kissed and held hands. It wasn’t about sex. It was about connecting. I was scared though. I had already been hurt. Okay, so it’s not like the horrors of the world that some people face, but it was still hurt. My walls started coming down. Sometimes they would come back up, but Clark watched, he saw, and he would joke or tease me, make them go away.

After about two months of really heavy dating, he came over to my place. I was ready. I had been for a long time. He kissed me. He pulled back and told me he loved me. I smiled and told him I loved him too. I led him to my bedroom. We slowly undressed each other. Each new discovery we cherished. He had a tattoo over his heart. It was practically buried in the swirls of reddish hair on his chest, but it was a picture of a dragon. He was just as hairy as I. We both loved the feel of running our hands through all the hair. It was minutes before we were both naked. He spotted a nasty scar I had on my thigh. I had gotten it while climbing a fence and the slat broke and stabbed into me. He kissed it lovingly. All we did was lie in bed naked, kissing and stroking our bodies, building us up to fever pitch. We rolled against each other, back and forth. I would be on top, then Clark. We just rocked, letting the gentle friction build us up. We both came; neither of us doing much to bring it on other than holding and rubbing against each other. It was wonderful. We lay wrapped in each other’s arms. He kept smiling at me. I guess I did too.

“I have a confession to make.”

“What, Clark?”

“I’ve been with a few guys.”

“I’ve been with one, so?”

“That’s about all I’ve done with them. It hasn’t gone to much further.”

“What are you trying to tell me?”

“I want you inside me. Will you take my cherry?”

I laughed at his word choice, but I was solemn when I agreed. I moved down his body and made him ready with my mouth. My first time hadn’t been all that gentle. Jacob was kind and he didn’t force it, but it still hurt. I lapped at him with swift, constant strokes of my tongue. He tasted sweet and sweaty and like man. I parted the thick hair and nuzzled his hole with my nose. When he started to open, I dove in with my tongue, flicking it quickly back and forth once inside. Clark was squirming on the bed. He kept trying to pull me up. I wanted him begging for it. This was fun. I liked servicing him, knowing he would give me everything right back and more.

When he whimpered that he couldn’t take anymore I rose over him and flipped him over. I was dripping and he was sopping wet. This would be easy. I placed my hardness against his soft opening and pressed forward, just a little at a time. I watched his face for any sign of distress. None showed, so I pressed into him completely. I rested my forehead against his. He had me surrounded in hot, wet warmth. It fisted me and clutched me. I almost came from the incredible feeling of being home. I found where I belonged and with whom I belonged.

When I could control myself and not explode, I kissed Clark and moved. He writhed under me. He arched his back so his chest rubbed against mine. Our chest hair became matted with sweat and started to tangle together. Each tiny hair was a nerve sensation, firing pleasure to my brain. Oh God, I loved him. I moved inside him, feeling him grip me, grinding my hips into his and feeling his pleasure. His cock was rigid and pressed between our bellies. He was leaking all over us. His cries of pleasure turned louder and more animalistic. He was close. I felt pride that I could bring him this.

With one last deep plunge, I felt him erupt between our bellies. Each spurt caused him to clamp me, clutch me in rhythmic waves of pleasure. His own release milked my own from me and I spilled myself deep inside him. I collapsed on top of him, bellowing, my chest heaving, trying to get my breath back. We were sweaty and sticky and I never wanted it to be otherwise. I kissed his neck and chest and felt Clark giggle underneath me. I was still buried deep inside. He wiggled his hips a little and I started to laugh too. I looked in his eyes. They were bright blue and heavy lidded with contented, sated pleasure. I smiled at him and told him how much I loved him. He told me he loved me too and kissed me. Our tongues mated, our mouths moved over each other. I felt myself stiffen inside him. I pulled back and he told me to go for it, this time put some muscle in it. I laughed and pulled out enough to plunge back in. We both cried out. I rode him long and hard this time. By the time it was over, the bed was soaked with sweat and we were limp from exertion.

I had a huge tub with Jacuzzi jets. It was meant for two, so I hardly ever used it. I filled it with lukewarm water and some bubble bath. I pulled Clark up out of bed and we staggered into the bathroom. He looked at us in the mirror and we both laughed. We looked like we had just run a marathon. I liked being with him and laughing. We crawled into the tub. I turned on the jets and we both moaned. I curled up, leaning back on his chest, his legs around me. I asked if it was always going to be this good. He told me to count on it. I sighed; I had found peace. That night Clark took me. He was a bit clumsy, having never actually done it before, but he was only clumsy for a minute. I thought that what Jacob and I had was good. It was pale compared to this. I knew that what I had with Jacob was false. He could sleep with me, maybe even care about me, but he couldn’t love me. I guess I knew it all along. After it was over. After I had two of the most unbelievable orgasms of my life, I cried. I kept apologizing to Clark. But I let it all out. He just held me and told me to let it go. "Don’t hold back." When I was done crying, he made love to me again. He moved inside me slowly, rocking us both gently to completion. He stared in my eyes the whole time and kept telling me he loved me. We slept in each other’s arms that night.

Clark moved in with me the next weekend. Being gay and a cop isn’t easy, but we muddled through. We had each other, it was enough when the pressures of the world got too much. We shared each other’s strength, borrowing the other’s when needed. We held each other in the night and loved away our hurts and fears.

A few months after he moved in, I told him I needed to settle with my family. He offered to make my dad’s life difficult. I couldn’t do that. Despite all he had done, I still loved him.

I got a lawyer. I calculated every last dime of his I spent while in college. I checked with a bank and calculated interest on it. It came to just over one hundred thousand. I had a lawyer contact my father and tell him that I wanted to pay him back for my schooling at a meeting I planned. I also invited my mother and brother and sister and brother-in-law to the meeting.

They all showed up. My dad looked a lot older than I last remembered him. My mother looked stressed, but my siblings looked good. Olivia told me she was pregnant. I was very happy for her. I introduced her to Clark and they talked for a few minutes.

When everyone was seated I laid out my plan. I told my father that I had the money for him in a cashier’s check. It was already made out and he could cash it or burn it, it didn’t matter. I then told him that I was going to drop my last name and just use my middle name as my last. I then told him that I had bought a cemetery plot and would have a headstone with my name and birth date put on it. He thought of me as dead, I was going to give it to him. He paled, I watched as his face turned white. He started shaking. I was amazed to see a tear fall. He was crying. I didn’t expect this. He walked up to me and pulled me to him. He was crying and hugging me. I didn’t think it was going to be all right, but we had made a first step. He actually shook Clark’s hand. He and my mother left and Olivia and her husband, Phil followed. Sebastian stayed; he asked me if I was okay. I nodded and told him that everything was good. I then thanked him. I told him if he hadn’t had me go to the reception, I wouldn’t have been arrested or met Clark.

I don’t know how I found the strength to get through that day. I was weak-kneed and wobbly when we walked out of the legal office. Clark took me home and crawled right into bed with me. He held me for a really long time. I knew then that he was my strength. His just being there got me through it. When I stopped shaking, I rolled over onto him and held him in my arms. I kissed him over and over and then slipped into him. He was tight and warm and home. I moved inside him and felt like I was losing myself and flowing into us.

We loved long and slow throughout that night. Telling each other how much we loved each other. We brought ourselves to the brink, only to pull back and let it build again and again. We celebrated our one-year anniversary about the same time that Olivia had a beautiful daughter. We became Uncle John and Uncle Clark. My dad and I are still trying to connect. I am still his first born, his baby, but it is difficult. I take what I can get and forgive what he isn’t willing or unable to give. He didn’t take the money, he told me to keep it and if I didn’t, to set up a scholarship. I did, for gay teens looking to go to college. I turned that money and invested it so that it built enough to send three people to college each year. Our life was good together. We were both about to turn twenty-eight when I realized there was one other chapter of my life I needed to close. I told Clark and with his blessing, I flew to Chicago. I looked up Jacob and found him and his family in a small house in the suburbs. He had a three-year-old boy, a two-year-old daughter and a newborn boy. He and his wife looked happy and content. I just hugged him close and told him I was sorry again for hurting him. He asked if he was forgiven and I nodded. I stayed for the afternoon, but before I left, as he was walking me to my car, I asked him why he kissed me at the airport all those years ago. He told me he was going to miss me and wanted to have a memory. I nodded and then asked why he blew me before he came home. He blushed but told me that he was just curious. I smiled at him and told him I was glad it wasn’t guilt over the Las Vegas trip. As I hugged him again, I realized that what I had felt for Jacob was gone, or at least transformed into just plain fondness for an old friend. He was my first and would always hold a place in my heart, but he wasn’t meant to stay there.

When I got home, I found Clark; nervous and pacing. I realized that he was worried about my feelings for Jacob. I started to cry. I walked up and told him that he was the only one. I told him that I realized that I just needed to see Jacob and ask for his forgiveness and to forgive him. I told him all about that last night with Jacob. How I had forced him and kept pushing him to give me more than he could give. I told him that we were both still feeling guilty and it was good for the both of us to have it over with. Clark visibly relaxed. I loved him so much, but I realized that he had some walls too. I made sure that night that they were torn down. With Clark, I knew I would never need to hide behind them again. Now I only look out the window to see the other side, not my own distorted reflection.